U.S. Marshals captured Molesta the Magnificent at approximately 11:32AM EST today.
He/she/"it" was seen walking between 58th & 3rd in New York City where marshals quickly apprehended him after robbing an individual only known as "S.B.".
Molesta is currently under quarantine at the NYC Metropolitan Detention Center due to an unknown new strain of "swine flu". The CDC has dubbed the new strain as the "Asshat Flu".
Developing...
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